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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26503615">even in the darkest moments</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/evynessence/pseuds/evynessence'>evynessence</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Antonio is with Alex in WPP and they're "mother and son", F/F, Motherly Sister Imperator, Olivia is only mentioned, One Shot, Witness Protection, there isn't a happy ending lol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:09:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,294</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26503615</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/evynessence/pseuds/evynessence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex’s first time in witness protection, she struggled most with shedding the identity of Alex Cabot and adopting the new one of Emily Anderson- or Francine Hand or Cecilia Keller. This time around, despite all of Agent Hammond’s grumbling, Antonio is with her. Which means, even in the darkest of moments, when she’s drowning in the thoughts of someone else, deep down, she’s still Alex. </p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>even in the darkest moments</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm back with angst this time! This was so fun to write (once again thanks to @/alexcabotgifs on Tumblr for the headcanon)! It's just my take on Alex and Antonio being together in Witness Protection.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mom!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alex’s eyes shoot up from the essay in her lap instinctively, but she doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to being called that. She looks for the source and panic grips her for a moment when her eyes land on empty grass littered with water bottles. Antonio was there a moment before when she looked down, but now there’s no one. He’s gone.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Her heart thunders in her chest at the thought. Movement pulls her gaze to a line of jerseys near the goal. Antonio beams up at her, waving from his place in second. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He looks happy, cheeks rosy from running. But most importantly he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>there, </span>
  </em>
  <span>safe and sound, and Alex lets herself breathe for the first time in almost a minute. She knows the mental scolding will come later when the relief has washed away and been replaced with disbelief that she could take her eyes off him even for a moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Down on the field, Antonio launches the soccer ball in front of him into the air and it sails over the goalie’s head and straight into the net. Alex leaps to her feet cheering, papers forgotten as they slide from her lap. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He does a little dance, fists pumping the air and pride swells in her chest. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She rushes to hug Antonio after practice is dismissed. He accepts it heartily and wraps his arms around her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Good job, Antonio,” she whispers in his ear, low enough that no one else can hear. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He tightens his hold on her and it’s just as good as him uttering her name. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alex’s first time in witness protection, she struggled most with shedding the identity of Alex Cabot and adopting the new one of Emily Anderson- or Francine Hand or Cecilia Keller. This time around, despite all of Agent Hammond’s grumbling, Antonio is with her. Which means, even in the darkest of moments, when she’s drowning in the thoughts of someone else, deep down, she’s still Alex. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Antonio pulls away and smiles at her like he knows exactly how much he does for her sanity. “I think that was a great kick.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alex stands and smiles. “I would have to agree.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They slip into their roles, walking hand-in-hand down the street. Just Amelia Clark and her son, Jorge Clark -perfectly normal people walking to their perfectly normal white fuel-efficient hybrid after perfectly normal soccer practice. But Antonio squeezes her hand twice and the illusion the federal government has painted around them- </span>
  <em>
    <span>into </span>
  </em>
  <span>them -fades away like chalk on a sidewalk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All of the anguish tied to being so far from New York floods her senses. It’s almost too much. Almost. Because it’s her pain, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alex Cabot’s. </span>
  </em>
  <span>It’s just as real as the scars dotting her shoulder and the newspaper she has tucked in the farthest corner of her closet with the headline </span>
  <em>
    <span>Slain ADA</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Would you agree it was ice cream worthy?” Antonio blinks up at her, eyes wide and pleading. His puppy dog eyes are good, the second-best she’s ever seen, but they both know he doesn’t need them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I think it absolutely was.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They go to a mom and pop ice cream diner far enough away from their house that they couldn’t be regulars but close enough that the drive is short. Alex only circles the building three times before parking, a new record, that Antonio observes silently from the backseat. The ice cream is good, but the company is better and she absorbs everything he tells her about his day like a sponge. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It rains that night. Thunder shakes the house and it would’ve woken Alex up if she wasn’t already awake. Her socked feet shuffle against the hardwood as she makes her way through each room, checking the locks on the doors and windows. She drifts through the darkness with ease, avoiding the leaves of the fern in the kitchen and the edge of the carpet that curls up at the corner. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s a dance she did back home in New York, too, though the threat from the outside is more than those born in her own head. She tells herself it’s for Antonio, but he’s sitting up in her bed, more alert than he ought to be at this hour. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Couldn’t sleep?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He shakes his head and hugs his teddy bear tighter. “The thunder woke me up.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alex nods along with the lie but sees the truth dancing beneath the words. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I had a nightmare. The thunder reminded me of the gunshot. I thought I saw a shadow. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alex had spent her fair share of nights trembling under the covers after similar things. That was the biggest reason she never argued when Antonio asked to sleep in her bed- it helped that she never slept, too. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She sees the tears threatening to spill from his eyes even in the low light and she sits on the bed next to him, pulling him into her side. "Tell me about your Abuelita." </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Antonio sniffs, rubs his nose and then the words pour out of him like a dam breaking. He talks about his favorite meal. He explains the smells, the textures, the way the colors blended in the pot as he watched from his seat on the counter. He tells her about his dad drinking too much one night and dancing around the room with child-like glee. He tells her about the emergency room visit that same night after his dad tripping over his own two feet and slammed his head into the coffee table. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Antonio talks and Alex listens, and for a moment they're not in Nowhere Nebraska where the tallest building only reaches six stories. They're home. In the city that never sleeps. If Alex closes her eyes and tries hard enough, she can hear the rush of traffic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Antonio falls asleep resting on her shoulder and she moves him so he's lying against the pillows instead. Alex brushes an overgrown curl out of his face and sweeps up a tear from his cheek before it drops. He's gotten so big since the trial that threw them together. It's an odd thought, Alex knows, because as much as she needs to act like his mother, she isn't. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Amelia Clark is Jorge's mom, but Alex never imagined herself having kids, much less this early in her life. Much less </span>
  <em>
    <span>alone</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Though, Amelia didn't plan on having Jorge alone either. Her wife was supposed to be with her every step of the way, a tidbit of their story that Alex spent two long days arguing with Hammond about. But there was something about this time around; the idea of dating refused to settle in her stomach. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe it was Antonio. Maybe it was seeing everyone again after so long. Maybe it was seeing Olivia again after so long. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Alex leans down and kisses Antonio's temple before slipping into the hallway. Her tears aren't nearly as silent as his and she drops to the floor trembling with barely contained sobs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The wallpaper is crinkling where it meets the baseboards. It’s a floral pattern that Alex just </span>
  <em>
    <span>hates</span>
  </em>
  <span>. She knows Olivia would too. Sometimes, in her less sane moments, Alex imagines Olivia’s with her, critiquing the ugly wallpaper and cooking breakfast for Antonio before school. It's not a fantasy she indulges often, not after the last time where a wine-soaked daydream led her to dial the seven digits all but etched in her heart. Worst of all, Olivia actually answered, and just the thought has Alex sobbing into her hands in the dark hallway. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And once it starts, there’s no stopping it. Waves of frustration rip through her, threatening to tear her apart from the inside out, and Amelia Clark washes away for a moment. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>For a moment she’s just Alexandra Cabot. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you enjoyed it, and don't forget to let me know what you thought!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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